Internet Police :: Taking One for the Team

Wanted Criminals

Name: Keenan Milligan

Crime: Armed Robbery

Details: This hefty fella help up a Burger King in Geelong, Australia during his School lunchtime with a metal pellet BB gun. Sources claim he obtained 12 whopper burgers, 6 cheeseburgers and some facking Diddy Donuts.

Name: Bernard Wu

Crime: Selling Counterfeit Goods

Details: Bernard Wu was caught assisting his cousin, Wiwang Wu in selling counterfeit good such as NINE and Lowcoste over the internet and MSN.

Name: Wiwang Wu

Crime: Selling Counterfeit Goods and Indecent Exposure to a Minor

Details: Aswell as selling counterfeit goods, Wiwang Wu (pronounced Wee Wang Woo) was caught flogging the pony, so to speak, for an underage girl over MSN. Wiwang Wu was quoted as saying "I know the Internet Police, they are rubbish".

Name: Carmichael Adams

Crime: Indecent Exposure and Breaking the Code of the Office.Boys

Details: Carmichael showed up at the doors of the London Sulake Offices and out of pity, the staff let him in. From here on Carmichael constantly hogged a computer, and later on in the day he got his feeble William Wonka out and started flapping it about like a pigeons wings. Staff were too shocked to deal with the issue.

Name: Josh Comery

Crime: Underage Drinking and Indecent Exposure

Details: Josh Comery was snuck a few cheeky J2Os by his unsuspecting mother. As the night progressed, Josh showed his turkey twizzler on webcam to another young man over MSN. As the pictures got around, his room was instantly recognizable by his "Habbo Hotel, Where Else?" and "The King and I" posters. We had a word with his mum and she said she will be sure to keep him off the J2Os and limit him to 2 shandys a month.

Name: Roger Todger

Crime: Aggressive and Threatening Behaviour

Details: Roger displayed threatening bahaviour towards various charities (claiming they were scavengers), the cast of Neighbours (comparing them to a McDonalds Meal) and the Green Party (wishing death upon them). We believe this young man, recognizable by the excrement on his top lip, could be a big threat to society and if he is not caught who knows what he may get up to!

Name: Rupert Nankid

Crime: Fixing the Annual Cooking by the Book and Spring Gardening Competitions

Details: Back in 2007, Rupert underwent various unfair and illegal measures to ensure his beloved grandma, Augustine Nankid, won the annuel cooking by the book competition. More recently, he helped his grandma to win the 2008 Spring Gardening Competition, and many sources have lead us to believe he may well have hired a bit of muscle.

Name: Tom Campbell

Crime: Assault

Details: Tom Campbell, known around the Islington area as an MC with his brother Ant, was reported for assaulting a young man. Many by-standers witnessed him using his feeble pecker arms to triple lemon flip and 360 fanny flop his Pakistani victim, Sanjib Patel. Tom was quoted as saying "I beat him up because he stole my Pokémon Pearl game".

Name: Matthew "Chezney" Mark Chapman

Crime: Underage Drinking and Indecent Exposure to a Minor

Details: Mark, known as Chezney for his appearance resembling Coronation Streets teenage heartthrob, was reported for flying the jolly roger to a 9 year old girl over MSN messenger. He can also be seen drinking Lambrini in this picture, even though he is underage.

Name: Iain Kettles

Crime: Underage Drinking, Hiring a Prostitute and Posession of a Class C Drug

Details: While under the influence of Strongbow Cider, Iain hired a prostitute. We happened to have the prostitutes apartment bugged and we obtained this soundclip of Iain describing his sexual pleasures. He was also found to be in posession of Cannabis, as he posted a picture of him holding it on his MySpace profile with his friends Woody Ishmall (of Jewish descent) and Jermaine Jerahn (of African descent).

Name: Charles "Finch-HIMself" Michael Bailey

Crime: Computer Hacking and Harrassment

Details: Charles was reported many times for hacking users of Habbo Hotel using his alias "Finch-HIMself". On top of this, he has been incessantly harrassing a young girl named Alicia over the internet. She reported him many times, for calling her mother non-stop when she blocked him on MSN messenger, calling every hotel in Prague to find her while she was on holiday, constantly threatening her on MSN for talking to other men and many other things. He also broke his mother's phone when she confiscated his internet. Unfortunately our police have not had a sighting of this young man as he does not exit his house often.

Name: Russel Brandon Deer

Crime: Racism

Details: Russel, who generally goes by his middle name Brandon, was reported on many counts of racism. This is mainly on the internet, as the few times he has shouted racial slurs and such outside of his house he has ended up in hospital. There was also a report on when he took a Racist flag on the streets of Texas and some young African-Americans ripped up his flag and sent him running home crying. John is believed to be a follower of the Satanist religion, claiming "Men only lust their carnal desires".

Name: Steven Sean Sizzahands

Crime: Domestic Violence

Details: Steven Sean Sizzahands is wanted by the Internet Police after he assaulted his mother, Penelope Rodriguez when she threw his CD out of the window because he was playing his music too loud. The elderly Mrs. Rodriguez has since notified us about illegal activities Sizzahands has been participating in on the 3D chat site, Habbo Hotel including dating fat emos and stealing furniture.

Name: Barnaby Barrow

Crime: Obtaining Elven Porn

Details: Barnaby Barrow, of Barrow Boyz fame, called our undercover cop pretending to be an Elven Porn dealer and asked for copies of "Oceans Elven", "Elven Girls Fucking", "Night Elf Mo Fawk" and "Elves goin at it in a big way". When he arrived at the rendezvous point, our cop went to arrest him but unfortunately he got away on his Segway. This boy is still on the loose and could be illegally watching Elven Porn right now! He is also suspected of stealing 11 packs of YuGiOh cards from his local corner shop.

Name: Hernandez Watson

Crime: Not Wearing a Seatbelt

Details: Hernandez, recognizable for being greasier than a McDonalds deep fat frier, was spotted in the back of a Peugeot 206 without a seatbelt! The license of the vehicle was B4D B01. It has been argued that Hernandez was using two seats at once and it would be impossible to fit a seatbelt round him.

Name: Simon Fiddler

Crime: Paedofilia

Details: Simon Fiddler, along with his brother Freddy Fiddler, lured many young girls round to his flat and made them participate in many inappropriate deeds. He licked their feet, played with their naughty parts and made them suck his feeble 3 incher. The Internet Police located his flat and busted in only to find he had taken his things and left, only leaving a Gary Glitter record in an old record player and some tic tacs.

Name: Freddy Fiddler

Crime: Paedofilia

Details: Freddy Fiddler lured many young girls round to his flat in co-operation with his brother Simon Fiddler. Gregory did most of the luring, he would go "fishing" so to speak every day at 6pm, finding young girls in chatrooms such as Barbie Borstal and My Little Pony Chat. He would then offer the girls round to his flat, which he shared with his younger brother, promising milk and cookies. According to our reports, the promise of cookies followed through, but the milk was a bit too thick for the girls to be swallowing, if you catch my drift.

Name: Joe Bloggs

Crime: Beastiality

Details: Joe was sighted through his window rampantly rogering his scared spaniel. The witness claimed "he was taking no prisoners, he looked as excited as a retard with a chocolate bar. The dog, on the other hand, was evidently scared and shocked to death by his facial expression, it was like a mix between a girl who had lost her favorite toy and Little Kev from the Kersal Massive".

Name: Matilda Shilo

Crime: Eating all the Pies

Details: Matilda was seen on security cameras stealing all the pies from a local bakery. The owner of the bakery, an old man just trying to make a living, was absoloutely devastated, saying Shilo was a loyal customer. After the daylight robbery, Shilo fled to the library where she ever spent most of her days. It has been said that Matilda Shilo also has more rolls than the bakery.

Name: The Village People Reunion

Crime: Disturbing the Neighbourhood

Details: This rag-tag bunch, known collectively as Village People tribute band, The Village People Reunion, were having a Village People themed party with loud music disturbing the neighbours. Many complaints were received such as "I'm trying to get some sleep and all I can hear is Y M C blimmin' A!". Police burst into the scene and found many bottles of White Wine, Shandy plus lube and dildos.

Name: Minh Icha Wang

Crime: Trespassing

Details: A middle aged woman spotted Minh Icha Wang (pronounced Miniature Wang) chasing her pet dog around her garden with a bin bag at 3:00AM. She shouted at him through her window and fortunately he ran away, but he is still on the loose. The woman told us, "I'm sure I've seen him before, he was serving at the local Chinese Takeaway last week". It has also been told to us that he is known to quote, "I hate chinks, even though I am one".

Name: Alex Joseph Powell

Crime: Hacking

Details: Alex Powell is wanted for hacking into someone's Facebook account and changing the gender. Alex, who goes by the name "0ni" on Voide.org fame, used a fake hacking alias to protect his identity as he knew the poor young fella in real life, and feared for his own life. "0ni" is usually caught, most weeknights, and all weekends, DDosing unsuspecting victims' websites. A previous victim of "0ni" was Woolworths LTD who faced this little rapscallions attack for over 19 hours as 0ni had 3 days off school. Current location of "0ni" is currently unknown, but he is highly visible with his beach boy blonde hair, and you can usually find a coloured in dildo behind him.

Name: John Dreamer

Crime: Running Away

Details: This flubber dubber was taken to fat camp after eating too many weetabix and cheesy nibbles. However, when he was put on a healthy diet and a strict training regime he couldn't hack the banter so to speak, and ran away, or more likely waddled away. This boy has not been seen since then but we assume he will be hiding in a biscuit factory or wedding cake shop. His parents are very worried, so keep your eyes peeled!

Name: Southall Jenkins

Crime: Vagrancy

Details: This boy has been hovering around the streets sleeping in train stations, parks and squatting in abandoned buildings. Vagrancy is a crime, why do it? This man must be taken to a homeless shelter before it is too late, as it seems what he needs a good old scrub in a tub.

Name: Leonerd Surstromming Jakobsen

Crime: Rape

Details: This messy mopatop was reported for going at it in a big way with a young man named Luke of Jewish descent. Luke had left his house for the first time in a long while, he had agoraphobia due to constant bullying in his town, he had finally overcome it but everything went to shit when he was taken down an alleyway and brutally raped. Leonerd is believed to have only been in Luke's town for a day, and usually resides in Sweden. Luke told us "he has been doing this to many jews, he is known as Solid Snake as he can get in and out without being noticed".